I need a new life. It is official.
I have had a week from hell. I have been binging non-stop, stress-related...
We are having complications with the purchase of our property, at work I've made more shit in a week than I have for the past 10 years and I got into a fight on a public chat room with some people from my son's day care. I want to curl up into a ball and die!
I am soooooo tired. Tired of life. Tired of starting over. Tired of never having enough time. Tired of being on-call 24-7... I just want two weeks on a deserted island.
My weight this morning was on 65.4kgs!!!!!! F*&^%$%^&&*(CK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The whole reason I have a tendency to starve is so that I can appear smaller and younger... so people can stop expecting so f*&%cking much of me, and I can't even f*^(*(cking cope with that! I can't seem to f(*&cking cope with anything anymore!
I just want to beat this binge monster! once I stop eating I'll start feeling in control again. I don't care if it's an illusion, it's still better than... now.
Going to bed now. (PS. On top of everything else my day time internet has been "paused" for using too much bandwidth, so I have to wait till past 11 to post.)
I so badly need to vent and I have NO-ONE to talk to, just this dumb blog that hasn't even got anyone who can respond.
F*&^ck!
Wednesday 8 May 2013
Friday 3 May 2013
Well, I have promised myself that I won't weigh every day only once a week.... so weight idk...
However.... I stuck to 550 cals yesterday, and so far I have been strong today...
Watching Funny face with Audrey Hepburn as thinspiration and distraction.
I must be strong!!!!!
Damn, my pants are soooo tight.... and this mommy tummy NEEDS TO GO!!!!!!! so bad!
Anyhoo, thinspo.... Audrey Hepburn today!
However.... I stuck to 550 cals yesterday, and so far I have been strong today...
Watching Funny face with Audrey Hepburn as thinspiration and distraction.
I must be strong!!!!!
Damn, my pants are soooo tight.... and this mommy tummy NEEDS TO GO!!!!!!! so bad!
Anyhoo, thinspo.... Audrey Hepburn today!
Thursday 2 May 2013
My very last first day....
That's it, I'm done. I keep starting over.... and over and over and over. I'm a fat pig.I must stop eating and get back on track.... I have to find it in me again. Ana, why have you left me????????? Come back to me, guide me, keep me in-line!?
My family always ask, has being skinny ever gotten you anything? My answer, no, but it's one less thing in my life that sucks, and besides, being a fat ass has gotten me even less.
So, yeah, this being a first post, I should probably introduce myself. My name is Lucy, I am 30 going on 16. I have a husband and a son, that has helped with recovery until about a year ago, then one day I looked in the mirror and saw what I promised myself would never happen. Big. Me big. Not flabby and too round, but BIG! (Yeah, being Anoretic you look into the mirror and you see problem areas, a protruding belly, jiggly thighs, muffin top, the tell tale signs that you have not reached perfection. You don't look in the mirror and see a grossly obese person. You still see the spaces between your legs, between your arms and your waist, the bones shining in the bathroom light, the difference with an anoretic and a normal person, is you see the size of your body as it is, we see the size of the spaces in between as not big enough.) But now, there is no spaces left. Just the big jiggly thighs with nothing to redeem them, the muffin top over my jeans with no protruding hip bone to redeem them, the huge flabby mommy-tummy that has no revealing ribs to counteract them. I am BIG!
And it sucks. I started panicking, running back to the guilt and the pain of anorexia, but she had forsaken me. Instead I found her friends.... BED... and not enough courage to purge. At this point, I'd guess myself as decidedly EDNOS... I restrict for a couple of days, then go completely off the rails, then crawl back, and derail again, then jump back in, the go way off again. This has got to end! I have not lost a single pound since I started this disaster a year ago, and I am refusing to see my counselor again!All she ever does is tell me I am nuts and that I'm not fat.... I don't think she gets the fact that I don't actually think I am fat. I think I am average. AVERAGE is much, much worst than fat!!!!!!
So any way long story short. This blog is to keep me in line, to inspire me, to have a place to vent, and if there is anyone out there that is going through the same thing, you are welcome to PM me. We all need all the support we can get.
CURRENT WEIGHT: 64kg/141.1lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck!
Next Goal weight: 60kg/132.2lbs...... (Still much to high, but I am chasing one goal at a time. I won't get back to 99lbs if I keep focuses only on double digits.)
Thinspo for today.....
I've been going through my thinspo as I am taking out all my favorite quotes to post today... there is a lot... and just realized one of my problems. I have been going from restricting a bit, to trying to be healthy, to fasting, to just giving up, to whatever.... it's time I make up my mind. Am I doing this to be healthy or skinny? Answer? Skinny. Therefore, instead of trying to do all this healthy shit (I'm a freaking smokers, no amount of detox will clean my system of chemicals and toxins), let's just focus on going down. I need to stop caring about sodium as well. So what if the scale is higher, as long as I control my calories it will go lower, eventually, for real, not just water weight.
Water, diet soda, coffee, vitamin c and calcium at night, apples, low fat yogurt, instant oats as a filling meal at night.... Less than 500 cals a day. That's the plan.
Anywoo, thinspo quotes....
Fuck! Just walked to the printer to fetch some documents here at work... and I can feel my stomach jiggling as I walk! Gah! No holds barred. Now I am getting back to my lowest weight and beyond, whatever it takes!
My family always ask, has being skinny ever gotten you anything? My answer, no, but it's one less thing in my life that sucks, and besides, being a fat ass has gotten me even less.
So, yeah, this being a first post, I should probably introduce myself. My name is Lucy, I am 30 going on 16. I have a husband and a son, that has helped with recovery until about a year ago, then one day I looked in the mirror and saw what I promised myself would never happen. Big. Me big. Not flabby and too round, but BIG! (Yeah, being Anoretic you look into the mirror and you see problem areas, a protruding belly, jiggly thighs, muffin top, the tell tale signs that you have not reached perfection. You don't look in the mirror and see a grossly obese person. You still see the spaces between your legs, between your arms and your waist, the bones shining in the bathroom light, the difference with an anoretic and a normal person, is you see the size of your body as it is, we see the size of the spaces in between as not big enough.) But now, there is no spaces left. Just the big jiggly thighs with nothing to redeem them, the muffin top over my jeans with no protruding hip bone to redeem them, the huge flabby mommy-tummy that has no revealing ribs to counteract them. I am BIG!
And it sucks. I started panicking, running back to the guilt and the pain of anorexia, but she had forsaken me. Instead I found her friends.... BED... and not enough courage to purge. At this point, I'd guess myself as decidedly EDNOS... I restrict for a couple of days, then go completely off the rails, then crawl back, and derail again, then jump back in, the go way off again. This has got to end! I have not lost a single pound since I started this disaster a year ago, and I am refusing to see my counselor again!All she ever does is tell me I am nuts and that I'm not fat.... I don't think she gets the fact that I don't actually think I am fat. I think I am average. AVERAGE is much, much worst than fat!!!!!!
So any way long story short. This blog is to keep me in line, to inspire me, to have a place to vent, and if there is anyone out there that is going through the same thing, you are welcome to PM me. We all need all the support we can get.
CURRENT WEIGHT: 64kg/141.1lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck!
Next Goal weight: 60kg/132.2lbs...... (Still much to high, but I am chasing one goal at a time. I won't get back to 99lbs if I keep focuses only on double digits.)
Thinspo for today.....
I've been going through my thinspo as I am taking out all my favorite quotes to post today... there is a lot... and just realized one of my problems. I have been going from restricting a bit, to trying to be healthy, to fasting, to just giving up, to whatever.... it's time I make up my mind. Am I doing this to be healthy or skinny? Answer? Skinny. Therefore, instead of trying to do all this healthy shit (I'm a freaking smokers, no amount of detox will clean my system of chemicals and toxins), let's just focus on going down. I need to stop caring about sodium as well. So what if the scale is higher, as long as I control my calories it will go lower, eventually, for real, not just water weight.
Water, diet soda, coffee, vitamin c and calcium at night, apples, low fat yogurt, instant oats as a filling meal at night.... Less than 500 cals a day. That's the plan.
Anywoo, thinspo quotes....
Fuck! Just walked to the printer to fetch some documents here at work... and I can feel my stomach jiggling as I walk! Gah! No holds barred. Now I am getting back to my lowest weight and beyond, whatever it takes!
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