My family always ask, has being skinny ever gotten you anything? My answer, no, but it's one less thing in my life that sucks, and besides, being a fat ass has gotten me even less.
So, yeah, this being a first post, I should probably introduce myself. My name is Lucy, I am 30 going on 16. I have a husband and a son, that has helped with recovery until about a year ago, then one day I looked in the mirror and saw what I promised myself would never happen. Big. Me big. Not flabby and too round, but BIG! (Yeah, being Anoretic you look into the mirror and you see problem areas, a protruding belly, jiggly thighs, muffin top, the tell tale signs that you have not reached perfection. You don't look in the mirror and see a grossly obese person. You still see the spaces between your legs, between your arms and your waist, the bones shining in the bathroom light, the difference with an anoretic and a normal person, is you see the size of your body as it is, we see the size of the spaces in between as not big enough.) But now, there is no spaces left. Just the big jiggly thighs with nothing to redeem them, the muffin top over my jeans with no protruding hip bone to redeem them, the huge flabby mommy-tummy that has no revealing ribs to counteract them. I am BIG!
And it sucks. I started panicking, running back to the guilt and the pain of anorexia, but she had forsaken me. Instead I found her friends.... BED... and not enough courage to purge. At this point, I'd guess myself as decidedly EDNOS... I restrict for a couple of days, then go completely off the rails, then crawl back, and derail again, then jump back in, the go way off again. This has got to end! I have not lost a single pound since I started this disaster a year ago, and I am refusing to see my counselor again!All she ever does is tell me I am nuts and that I'm not fat.... I don't think she gets the fact that I don't actually think I am fat. I think I am average. AVERAGE is much, much worst than fat!!!!!!
So any way long story short. This blog is to keep me in line, to inspire me, to have a place to vent, and if there is anyone out there that is going through the same thing, you are welcome to PM me. We all need all the support we can get.
CURRENT WEIGHT: 64kg/141.1lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck!
Next Goal weight: 60kg/132.2lbs...... (Still much to high, but I am chasing one goal at a time. I won't get back to 99lbs if I keep focuses only on double digits.)
Thinspo for today.....
I've been going through my thinspo as I am taking out all my favorite quotes to post today... there is a lot... and just realized one of my problems. I have been going from restricting a bit, to trying to be healthy, to fasting, to just giving up, to whatever.... it's time I make up my mind. Am I doing this to be healthy or skinny? Answer? Skinny. Therefore, instead of trying to do all this healthy shit (I'm a freaking smokers, no amount of detox will clean my system of chemicals and toxins), let's just focus on going down. I need to stop caring about sodium as well. So what if the scale is higher, as long as I control my calories it will go lower, eventually, for real, not just water weight.
Water, diet soda, coffee, vitamin c and calcium at night, apples, low fat yogurt, instant oats as a filling meal at night.... Less than 500 cals a day. That's the plan.
Anywoo, thinspo quotes....
Fuck! Just walked to the printer to fetch some documents here at work... and I can feel my stomach jiggling as I walk! Gah! No holds barred. Now I am getting back to my lowest weight and beyond, whatever it takes!
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